sunday stereotypes

There's only three types of people you will find on college campus streets on sunday mornings:
1. church kids
2. walk of shamers
3. runners

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axioms

found these on a web site, enjoy:

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

blue

Today is a beautiful day with a cloudless blue sky. It's amazing how much a blue sky can bring up the mood of people. That is all I would like to say. Hope everyone's day is going well

Someone sent this as a response to a group email I got the other day.

No trees were killed in the sending of this message.

However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

MU

I saw this picture on the 'mizzou can get 100,000 fans before KU' group on facebook. It make me laugh

funny pic

poor film

nothing like a good video

temporary home

mitch hedburg

I'm not completely sure who this guy is but he has said some funny things:

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...


Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

how to report the news

How To Report The News - Watch more Funny Videos

piano

"One man gets nothing but discord out of a piano; another gets harmony. No one claims the piano is at fault. Life is about the same. The discord is there, and the harmony is there. Study to play it correctly, and it will give forth the beauty; play is falsely, and it will give forth the ugliness. Life is not at fault."